Beware the bragadocio of the braggart beauty blogger

Now let's discuss why rubbing coffee on your legs is pathetic

Friday, 25th September 2015, 3:25 pm
Updated Wednesday, 14th December 2016, 2:07 pm

If you're a Chronicler, you concur that coffee is currently, consistently, ceaselessly, and completely a comely creation, a colossal concept close to celestial clarity and class, capaciously coruscating compared to its copious comparative competitors.

Now let's discuss why rubbing it on your legs is pathetic. Beauty hacks are infecting the internet and desperately trying to convince the cellulite-ridden, dark-circle-brandishing hypochondriacs of fallacies which are, at best, ignorant. Let's delve a little deeper into their fascinating world and discover some pearls of wisdom courtesy of Google.

Coffee beans could temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite. What a wonderfully vague claim that is, with plenty of words pertaining to chance and a handsome dollop of ambiguity. That said, we can't help but agree - if you cover your legs in mashed up coffee beans, you're unlikely to see any cellulite.

It's best not to waste that coffee, so when you've scraped it off your legs, smear it on your face and it could help to exfoliate your skin. Did you notice the lack of certainty there? It could help. But it probably won't. Sand or grit is also likely to do the trick, or even a readily available, hermetically sealed, off-the-shelf, exfoliating face wash.

Smelly hands? Don't wash them with anything as bonkers as a squirt of antibacterial soap. No, what you need to do is rub them with coffee-grounds. Take it from someone who is inadvertently covered in coffee grounds for the majority of their waking hours - it's not pleasant - use soap. If it's the I'm-a-barista experience you're seeking then go for it; you could also pour some milk on your shoes.

Heeding advice from the beauty hacks will result in you using coffee to minimise under-eye puffiness, eliminate unwanted oils on your skin and even colour your hair - we tried that one and it's not a winner. In short, the advice is to rub coffee on the area of your body which offends you so greatly that you've given up on traditional remedies.

Beware the bragadocio of the braggart beauty blogger who boasts about the baseless benefits of buffing your body with a Brazilian bush. Believe the barista who brews the beans into a beverage without babbling banal, barely believable... nonsense.

Find the Little Coffee Company at 4 Bartholomews, BN1 1HG