Truly, I am positively grateful for all that our councillors do

Thank you, councillors, for keeping our city so clean and presentable
Thank you, councillors, for keeping our city so clean and presentable

I have been congratulated for pointing out being a numpty is not a qualification for being a councillor.

I have been stopped in the street and congratulated, more times than I can count, about my recent column pointing out that being a numpty is not a qualification for being a councillor.

There have, however, been a few who disagree with me - admittedly, mostly councillors.

I have been asked by one such dissenter, who was virtually spitting tacks in the street, to write something positive about the achievements of ordinary hard-working councillors.

So here goes.

Thank you, Brighton and Hove City Council, for all you are doing to keep our city looking so clean and presentable. The floral displays are truly magnificent and I am surprised we have not won more awards. I am sure we must be in a league with the likes of Bath or Stratford-upon-Avon for our efforts.

Thank you, too, for all you have done in making provision on our behalf for those less well-off than ourselves. It is gratifying to know that, in the last year alone, we spent £7 million more than we did in 2011 helping poor homeless people. Thank you so much for encouraging them to come here by not pushing the police to prosecute these poor hapless souls for begging.

Even more heart-warming is the knowledge that you are making good use of our city parks. Up to now, we have not been allowed to camp, barbecue, or defecate freely in them.  But now, seemingly, we are able to do so for extended periods without fear of prosecution. I am told you are even sending out assessment teams to make sure our campers are well and ensuring they are looked after properly. Apparently, a permanent site is being set up at Horsedean, so that even better facilities are available.

Thank you, too, for driving so many obnoxious holidaymakers out of our city, with their nasty smelly cars, by making parking charges the highest in any British seaside resort. Thanks especially to Jason Kitcat for assuring us that it doesn't matter, because cyclists spend more than motorists.

Special thanks, too, to Ian Davey who is largely responsible for driving even more smelly cars and tourists out of town with his wonderful cycle lanes. I am sure more people will start using them soon, especially in the winter months.

Thank you, too, for not penalising our poor hard-pressed roadworks colleagues, by allowing them to work only outside of holiday season. It is truly heartening to see that, while most seaside towns are quite rigid - except in the case of emergency - we welcome roadworks at any time. This means we can really finish off the very thick-skinned remaining tourists in smelly motor cars. Good riddance we say here in Brighton – and, sorry, Hove. Clear off to Worthing or Eastbourne, because we don't want you. And take your filthy money and your smelly cars with you.

Well done, city councillors. You are doing a sterling job on our behalf.

Was that positive enough for you?