A matchmaker will help you revel in whips

In 1910, Duncan's of Edinburgh began making what is Nestlé Rowntree's oldest brand.

In 1910, Duncan's of Edinburgh began making what is now Nestlé Rowntree's oldest brand. They reckon we eat one every two seconds.

We can confirm that we most definitely do not, but the nation as a whole just might. They're produced in Halifax and their production requires over one million walnuts every week.

The humble Walnut Whip is easily recognisable because, well, have you seen one? They're pretty weird.

Their external pattern is what us pompous types call a skeumorph. That's what you call it when an object (in this case, the Walnut Whip) retains ornamental designs (the swirly outer shell) from structures that were once necessary (the original Whip mould). It's like a cute nod to the past. Like you reading the newspaper when you could just look online. Anyway, they used to make a coffee flavoured Whip, and now they don't.

In 1968, Rowntree's started making Matchmakers. The flavours were mint, orange, and coffee. In 2003, they renamed them Cool Mint, Zingy Orange, and they stopped making the coffee one. The little sticks got a new box, a new slogan and they tripled in size, but we all know it's what you do with it that matters. In 2008, they were again renamed, but coffee didn't make a comeback.

In 1967, Mars Inc launched Revels. The original flavours were orange, coconut, toffee, peanut, Galaxy Counters (naked Minstrels), and Maltesers.

Peanuts were eventually replaced by raisins (bad idea) and coconut by coffee (whoop, whoop). In 2008 (apparently a popular year for rebranding), a Big-Brother-style public eviction saw coffee replaced by strawberry (strawberry?) with a landslide of almost half of all the votes cast. In 2009, coffee was reintroduced, but you do need to sift through the bag to find one, and there are raisins in that bag.

Coffee Creams will survive forever, albeit in Nan's handbag. But where are the proper coffee chocolates?

We've been reduced to buying bars of 70% Brazilian Cocoa swirled with gritty bits of Arabica. It's not cool, Nestlé, it's not cool. Sort it out or you'll meet your Matchmaker and he'll Whip your Walnut. Revel in that, Mars.