Milk, anyone?

Soya milk is now as readily available as milk from a cow.

Soya milk is now as readily available as milk from a cow. But sales of a new contender in the market are steadily rising.

How exactly do you milk an almond? Well, you don't. You put it in a blender with water and then add a load of vitamins and nutrients to make it good for you before adding sweetener to make it palatable.

It's beige in colour, creamy in texture, nutty in taste, and totally impossible to froth.

It's strange that what's now a niche hipster status symbol was once a medieval staple. In medieval times, almond milk was popular as it had a longer shelf-life than milk from animals.

When the espresso machine was invented and we began steaming our milk into silky micro-foamed lattes, nobody told the almond milk producers to up their game.

While soya milk producers were amending their blend to allow baristas to smoothly froth it, Mr and Mrs Almond were too busy adding vanilla or chocolate to make the beverage drinkable.

Yes, we're aware that almond milk exists. Yes, we're aware that you heard someone order it somewhere and you want to join in. Yes, we're aware that it works fine with your Nescafé Azera at home. Unfortunately, it just doesn't froth. It really doesn't. We bought some once, so trust us.

We have an endless supply of soya milk, so stick to that, as we won't be buying almond milk again. Neither are we in a hurry to stock up on rice milk, hemp milk, milk made from coconuts, or the milk from our cats. They're boys anyway.