Supermarket's #LittleTwists campaign doesn't whet our appetite

We will never accept that instant coffee deserves a coveted slot in our cupboard.

We do love Sainsbury's. We're not even sure why. Perhaps it's all that orange, or maybe it's their affiliation with a certain Mr Oliver, or could it be that when you live in Hove (where else, darling) and travel to Brighton for work (if you can call it that) then you can't help but see seven sneaky Sainsbury'ses along the way. Anyone know the plural of Sainsbury's? Answers on a Sainsbury's recipe card, please.

It's actually their recipe cards that are spoiling our love affair. Specifically it's their new #LittleTwists campaign that's destroying the relationship. Not only is it depressing to see another hashtag-led advertising assault, but they don't appear to have consulted with Jamie on the recipes. Neither have they sought advice from anyone with a kitchen, common sense, or a palate.

spag bol"Add instant coffee to your spag bol" is what the advertising banner says. "Everyone's buying capsules and pods so we need to shift this freeze-dried tut asap" is what the marketing department said. That's wildly assumptive paraphrasing on our part, but isn't that what marketing's all about?

We have accepted cocoa powder in our chilli con Quorn (alright, carne for the rest of you). We are troweling the salt onto our caramel. We'll even steep a strawberry in balsamic vinegar, but a line must be drawn somewhere and we believe it should be a #LittleTwisty line right here. We will never accept that instant coffee deserves a coveted slot in our cupboard - that's a waste of Marmite space - and it most certainly does not belong in a bolognese.

Bolognese is a dish from Bologna. It was created to use the naturally occurring local ingredients to make a cheap ragu to feed hungry Italians. Coffee is not grown in Bologna. Instant coffee shouldn't even be part of this paragraph.

Here's a #LittleTwist for you Mr Sainsbury, maybe start making your own brand of coffee pods or capsules or something, but please stop with the weirdness. No wonder Jamie's not playing. It's more of a Heston gig anyway. He'd be on board with bells and whistles and sous vide Doritos with liquid nitrogen and a Fray Bentos foam. He's not real anyway - it's just Harry Hill doing a different voice.