The only way to coffee is Basildon

The origin and provenance of our produce has never been so important.

The origin and provenance of our produce has never been so important.

Locally-sourced no longer means the cash-and-carry in Moulsecoomb. And your banana collecting Airmiles is like so last season.

With that in mind, it is disappointing that nobody's attempted a coffee plantation in Brighton. Perhaps some heat lamps on the South Downs would help yield a healthy crop. Until then, our coffee must continue to be shipped from far-flung exotic climes.

Brazil and Colombia provide most of the world's supply. Once bagged and shipped, the beans arrive at various coffee capitals around the globe. Italy is obviously a major player, with Rome taking the crown. Or rather the chaplet of oak leaves woven to form the shape of a crown. Or - and this one's top of the list of pomposity - the corona civica.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, allow us to continue. Australia is kind of a big deal when it comes to coffee. It's Sydney versus Melbourne in the clash of the Flat Whites.

If we demonstrated with marsupials - say a gang of wallabies up against some kangaroos - it wouldn't help explain, but it would be more interesting. What's that, Skippy? Mark and Greg are stuck where? They're down the well? They jumped in to save the Vegemite? Strewth!

In 2012, Vienna hosted the Barista Championships. Since then, we fickle sycophants of the coffee industry have allowed them safe passage into our pretentious kingdom. The Dutch have lots of coffee shops. No, not that kind of coffee shop; they really do drink lots of coffee in proper coffee shops.

Singapore is Asia's coffee capital, and Wellington in New Zealand boasts about "perfecting" the Flat White. That's because they didn't invent it, but they like it a lot. Like rugby.

Seattle is the coffee capital of the USA and not just because of the creepy green mermaid.

The second-biggest coffee shop chain in the world (Costa. The mermaid's the largest) is about to create a new coffee capital for us Brits. Colombian, Costa Rican, Peruvian, Guatemalan, and Vietnamese beans will arrive at Tilbury Docks and be taken to the spangly new roasting plant in - wait for it, it's pretty special - Basildon.

The reem new roastery will open in 2017, and everyone will be well jel. It will employ loads of people, which is totes amaze, and it will distribute beans globally, maybe even to Marbs, which is more amaze balls than a night down Faces or a vajazzle.

Costa already has a plant - in Lambeth - but it's not big enough. They'll still be doing the Lambeth roast (and leaning on the corner of a lamppost in the street in case a certain little lady walks by), but they've realised that in order to complete their world domination, The Only Way Is Essex. Shuuuut uuuuuup.